As usual, this update is much later than I would've liked it have been. But the last chunk of the year finished off on an even sadder note for me than I would have ever have liked to have even nightmared. And it is something that will continue to affect me for quite some time. But it also has lead to some introspection, and more observation, analyzing and philosophizing (personal, of course) about the world around me and those I interact with. Those thoughts are still my own, and are not presented in this update, for they are to raw still, to close at hand. What's below has been brewing for some time...

But I always like to start with a tangent. Well, ok, not really, but sometimes it can be fun. One of those interesting and humourous things that makes one wonder. And these wonderings involve Tarot cards. Like the zodiac, how much one places in the 'truths' they reveal is a matter of many elements. On the one level some would argue they are nothing but random, with interpretations made by the reader to fit what they may know of the person, or feedback they receive. On the other hand, sometimes their reading can be so spot on its scary (not discounting that one can often make anything fit if they want).

Well, Halloween party for me, getting a very short, easy Tarot reading by a stranger and providing no feedback (not that it would have made much difference, there were a few cards dealt on the table representing this, that and the other thing, and they were not changed, just interpreted as went along according to other cards already revealed). Well, get to the card representing friends, she (the reader) turns it over and its some nasty card, like knight of death or somesuch. She half-chokes and says 'You need to get new friends'.

Funny, non? Here I am worrying and harping over just that on these pages and this happens... hmmmmmm.

I made a bunch of noise last time of how I suddenly (or it always seems so sudden to me) become an acquaintance to a few of those whom I used to consider friends. What I wanted to add was how I handled it, and also garner opinions on if you (the reader, of course) think it's a good handling strategy or not.

And it isn't much of a strategy really, more of a simple reaction and that is to see this incoming acquaintance-ness, and respond in kind. If all I receive in return is below the level of friendship, then I assume the person no longer wishes to be a friend and I treat them as an acquaintance (in interaction, responses, etc). So far, this has generated no complaints, nor notice, nor anything- -which very much leads me to believe that their desire really was to leave friendship and live in the realm of acquaintanceship or worse (such as lip-service-ship - that one is a real joy, and nicely condescending to boot)

Of course, it still means I've lost a friend(s).

You'll have to forgive the geek reference(s) coming up, but they best describe how I feel. And how I feel is like a thread with a low priority number. You see, on preemptive multitasking systems, every process that requires processor time is assigned a value, and this value determines how 'important' it is. Programs with a high priority number (which may actually be negative on UNIX systems) receive more CPU time than programs with low priority numbers.

So basically, that means that I feel that sure, I can hold some interest and some interaction and some attention, BUT as soon as just about anything or anyone else comes along it supercedes me and I become a persona non grata. Well, maybe not that bad as in not totally unwelcome, but certainly not valued. How this then can manifest itself is in many ways:

Odd Man Out - The classic situation where:

K + A = KA; K + B = KB; K + A + B = AB (not K).

Yes, where I become completely irrelevant in the situation. I might as not well have been there, AB was where the conversation was; it wasn't directed towards me. *

Changing Plans - Another fun one where A + K make plans, then B shows up, A changes plans to include B (sometimes drastically changing plans) and then just tells K 'plans have changed, this is what they are now, and B will be part of it'. Note there is no consideration for what K might want, if K might dislike the new plan, or not have wanted B, or whatever. Sometimes yes, that's just fine, sometimes no, that plan was less than what K wanted. But it doesn't matter to A, for K is not important, especially when next to B. (Note that simply ASKING if it would be OK would render this a non-issue)

Poof - Simple situation, A just seems to disappear from radar. Plans no longer made, interaction no longer sought. Well, except for lip service, of course, one must ALWAYS give lip service. Fking great.

Lookit! - Another simple one, usually an add-on to Poof. Interaction not sought, except to bring up all the better stuff they're doing.

Now, all of these can appear in different degrees, ways, or even combinations. Nor are they always something that evolves over time, they can also be pervasive from the first contact. What it does boil down to is that I feel a lesser being to just about all else around. Heck, even been told I'm lesser than a video game once. **

If there is nothing else, then I am fine. When there are choices, unless it is some group thing where numbers matter, then it is certainly not me, and I am not fine. I command no lasting interest from anyone. Which is odd for me to figure out (it wasn't always this way) just as its difficult for me to figure out why I seem not to get into discussions as I so much enjoy them. But the hard truth seems to be that I never enter into the picture when its 'what do I do time' for others. Which basically translates to a lot of time by myself.

* - I'm not talking about a situation where the conversation(s) are of topics I know little on, or hold little interest in, I have no problems with those and just sit and listen and may try to learn. Later, when the topic changes, I will join in. I call it the Architecture Syndrome (as in whenever any 2 architecture students get together, they talk architecture school). This is normal and happens and I would be pretty damn foolish to think the conversation would always and should always be something that could engage me. No, I'm talking conversations that do interest me, a lot sometimes, and that I do have knowledge on and that I even tried to contribute to. I say tried, because often that new info would be entered into the conversation... between A and B. I remained on the outside, looking in.

** - Now, while that is a pretty serious blow to my ego, I do appreciate the person's honesty. There is certainly NO way I'll misjudge my place in their grand scheme of things when I've been told that kind of ranking.

Since we're on the subject of honesty, and we talked about late folk last time...

People who say X, and then do Y - Easy enough, talked about that one before.

People who say they will do X on Y date, then do not do X - Did they forget? Decide they didn't want to and think I wouldn't notice? Something better come up and thus I was left in the dust (see above)? Do they read this page and think I'm so fking desperate I'll wait around for them forever just in case?

People who say they will do X on Y date, then do it on Z date - This one is a curious one, because sometimes one has to wonder why they still ended up doing X. Was it not because they wanted to, but because they now somehow felt guilty about not doing X as they said they would? (note to you people: doing it because you are guilty not because you wanted to in the first place does not make it fine) Or are they just more important than the commitments they make? *

* - This is not a case of 'oh, I'll bring you that tomorrow to work' and then they forget to bring it. Duh, we all do that myself included.

Well, another birthday has passed. Now I feel even older, decrepit, and feel like there's even less of a chance of my friendships of ever resolving themselves. :P Oh how I long for the days of yore when I had pure, carefree joy of friendship. }:)