The newest quote on my front-page I think expresses a sentiment I've felt about a few friends this year…

I just needed someone to talk to.
You were just to busy with yourself. - Unknown

Indeed. I have had a few friends this year suddenly gain a whole lot of self-importance that seemed to place me into the category of Persona Non Grata. Well, maybe that's not exactly the category, but its certainly a case of Persona Non Interestedina.

And, as usual, it came out of the blue. Or I only noticed it once it was well progressed.

To take the quote above to heart, its basically what I described in the Casualties rant a few pages back. How some seem to have become just plain used to me being around, and thus I feel like a painting on the wall that they talk to every now and again. Yes, we're talking full-blown one-way here. Like when you mention things, sometimes even more than once, and they just don't register with the other person. They don't pick up on it, or it doesn't actually log into their brain. They hear it, but they aren't thinking about who its coming from, why its being said, or what it might mean. No, they're thinking about… themselves. Their day, their life, their next plans. Not what's being said to them by some other person. Later you are treated to actions that show that nothing you said registered, be it something that doesn't get done, something that is done differently than what would've been better, or certainly no return helpful dialogue ensues.

Let me make a brief aside here, for while it doesn't apply 100% into this part here, it just came to mind. I know there are somefolk out there who, for lack of a better word, collect friends. Who cultivate acquaintances (and whom in their mind they do take as friends, we all have a different attitude and outlook on this) just so that they have… a lot of friends. Trophy friends, so they can think 'wow, I've got all these friends, I'm Popular!' Good for you. But then, I'll certainly think of you as only an acquaintance. And depending just how you really are, I'll try to remove myself from your trophy list. Especially since it won't cause you any grief-that is the one thing to be very wary about. Never confuse their interest of the moment for true interest. Its hard to detect… one needs to read between the lines over time.

Anyway, back to the rambling at hand.

So yes, there are those who have become self important that they don't care to listen to what others say, unless they can get something out of it for themselves (or that they can primp themselves). Now, to be fair, I should say that at least, they're not listening to ME. Because this is what all these writings are about, me and my perceptions. So, maybe they are dedicating their time to others, giving them their all, their attention, their focus, their care. Which makes me feel like, at best, discarded trash, or at worse, baggage (in the sense that I was useful to help them get along to some point, and now I'm off into the darkness until they need help again).

Lets just talk ego for a moment. Because I have learned a bunch about people's ego down here, watching how people jockey for position in the groups of groups of 'friends'. There are those who use possessions as their main ego points, always getting the best of the best. There are those who use knowledge, trying to be the best at something and then making sure they can show they are the best. Just like showing you have the best stuff for objects. There are those who collect friends, as mentioned earlier. There are those who collect bedmates. There are those who focus on their image, be it physical or outward attitude appearance-wise. And there are certainly those who use combinations thereof.

It becomes a problem when these people 'know' they are the best, and they use these things to continually 'prove' and reinforce that fact--both to themselves and to others, who will then hopefully reflect that back to the original person. And that is a case of being to busy with themselves.

I think that's enough for now.

But, to tie this and casualties together, these past 6 months have been fun. Not only have I been unable to talk to some people, their brushoff nature towards me have made me feel even more like useless trash. Double whammy. QED.

Horoscopes and the like can be fun. You gotta wonder about them sometimes… how can it be that everyone born in period X through Y is gonna act the same way, or have the same luck befall them. Haha. But then, you have to wonder, did this come about by someone correlating the various behaviours of people and noting when they were born? And did indeed notice a pattern?

Whatever the case may be, I looked at a book on the Chinese Zodiac the other week. I am a Water Ox, which I already knew, but the description stunned me, because, yes, it fit me to a T. Especially two parts, the first on creativity, and how I am creative but my lack of confidence stymies it, and even more important than that was their description of how Ox view friends and friendship, which echoed a lot of the distinction and what I said on my page on friends, even mentioning difference between friends and acquaintances.

Wow.

Yes, you see me become bent out of shape when I get left behind by so-called friends. The suddenness of it is what always gets me, of course. And I wonder just what it is with me, why does it keep occurring… do they get annoyed? And don't say? Or is it that they just get bored with me?

That's a scary thought. How does one become less boring? I already have 4 billion interests. Is it that most don't discover them? Or I don't do a good job of showing them or exposing them?

Is it just the people I've been running into? Truth be told, just about everyone I've made as a 'friend' since mid-university have been from one particular grouping of people (community, if you will). Maybe it's a trait of most in that group. (Maybe I should see if there are any other Water Oxen in there, because, quite frankly, I don't think I know any other ones) I think I've had better luck with those outside of this group in terms of longer-term friendship. I don't think this can be discounted at all as a possibility.

The fact that I seem to get along with just about everyone around could be a good or bad thing. Maybe I'm just tolerable to most. Maybe I do annoy people often, but since most only have to deal with me for a short time, they let it go. Maybe everyone just sees me as a quaint objectperson, and some just play with it for a while. Maybe they're all just good liars.

Yeah, it keeps me more occupied than maybe it should be. But it keeps happening more than I think it should be as well. So it burns me to know WHY it keeps happening. What about me that make others suddenly seem to lose interest in me, or turn on me, or why I attract those who lead me on in the not nice senses of the word.

My three rules - honest/fair/kind - that are presented at the start of all this, as you (should) know, are how I want to lead my life as well as how I'd like others to treat me. That do unto others thing. Well. That precept came to light/mind a few years ago. There were some incidents before then with some friends where I wasn't able to express myself, my feelings and my disappointments as I probably should have at the time. Even though I was fuming and even though it was obvious I was unhappy.

Fast forward to the present, and with those old 'friends' I am still pretty much unable to voice my concerns for two reasons… for one, I've known them for a while, two, it often involves things that are linked with things in the past and it would seem odd to bring them up now. With newer friends I have been able to let my feelings be known quite well (not that they've all taken them well). (Which has always been a problem for me telling people things-they often don't take it well. Usually when I'm feeling unease about something, I don't want to lose them as a friend unless they've really trodden me down, but telling them seems to make them think so or something) But with the older friends… well, I find it hard to talk to them about it.

Though I have veiled it once or twice within generalities and gradually more pointed barbed comments. The amusing and hurtful thing was that (A) it wasn't really picked up on, (B) taken seriously, (C) recognized as being a comment that applied to their current behaviour towards me, (D) really elicit any response at all. Hey, did I tell you about the delicious candy I had today?

Not quite, but almost as bad.