Casualties

This is a wonderful little double-entendre, for it deals with both casualness and the loss of friends. A bit of the same, really.

So what do I mean?

By casualness I mean my recent perception that many of my 'friends', even long-time ones, are beginning to treat me, well, altogether and all too much casually. Interactions that do not have the feeling of true interaction, or any attention and/or thought behind them. Superficial. Light. Like the way you might treat one of your coworkers whom you see now and again. There's a "Hi, how are you? Have a good weekend? Oh, that's neat!" But that's about it. It isn't rude, there just isn't any real connection going on.

They are here, but not really there.

Which is not something I would expect of friends. Not when you are around them, or trying to engage in conversation online, nor when you are feeling either good or blah and want to share. Or you just want to hang out.

Sometimes I feel as though they have just gotten used to the idea that I am a friend. 'Hey, he's reliable, he'll always be there.' An assumption that I'm a friend. One they can just call upon at any time.

Some randomish observations of what I mean.

Only talk to me to fill time, as they have little better to do, or are waiting for something, or someone else. Blah, blah blah, ohbyehaveagooddayhaha! Thanks.

The only time hear much from them are when they are feeling down. Or, more recently, it's the opposite: they are feeling GREAT. Hey, did you hear how wonderful my life is recently, all is going swell, at work I'm making a killing, and I'm busy every night, and all of a sudden there are people lining outside my door, and I got this new car and George Lucas is calling me to star in the next Star Wars and I've got so much energy and…

Hey, that's fine. But the flip side to that is twofold.

First of all, they don't care (in any honesty, anyway) for the person on the other side of their primp-fest. They may ask, but by god, they won't let it stop their stream of happiness. And let me tell you, this one really pisses me off:

Don't worry, be happy.

What kind of help is that? I mean, come on… how much more brush-off can you get. They would really be better off simply saying 'go away'. But to distill another's ills into a 'well, life is obviously grand (since it is for them right now?) you just need to let it be grand for you too!' is pretty BS, if you ask me. Which you're not, but you're reading this, so same thing. :P Sure, on occasion, I have used the phrase akin to "I'm sure it will turn out well in the end, I have faith in you." But I use that after talking to the person and seeing what I can do to help them through their problems, to give them ideas, or to assuage their fears. Not to encompass the entire conversation.

The second is that this casualness seems to also emerge as a result of their newfound greatness. Its like 'well, now that I have all these friends, who are soooo much better than you, well, I don't really need you anymore. But I am thankful, so I'll keep in touch… ' It sounds a bit far-fetched, but there does often seem to be a correlation between the casualness I detect and how much they are talking about how great their life is. I have often been busy with things, and have found myself even busier of late both with individual and public (friends) stuff. But I would like to think that I haven't started treating people like they are but contact points. I hope I have always maintained the same level of care and thought when I talk to them. Hey, if I haven't, let me know!

This is a bad segue, but what the hell… I really hate the feeling that I am being Objectified by my friends. That is, being seen only as an object. And object of one or two things that they want, be it in body, in activity or in knowledge. That's it. That's all I'm good for. The first is often easy to spot, but some people hide it well. The second is a bit easier, as usually that is all they will want to talk about, and ditto with the third. I guess I could mention a fourth, which is stuff, usually my apartment. Hey, free room and tour guide if I go to visit this place! While I'm always glad to be of service, that gets my hackles up. If you just want to use my place as a crash space, tell me. Don't fake it like you want to see me. This has worked in the past, and quite recently too.

Now, I will admit I didn't help the objectification during the second half of last year, when I subconsciously started to give out what the objectify-ers wanted. I did realize it early this year, though, and stopped prostituting my image. Heh, actually, that makes it sound like I set up some triple-x web site (which I didn't, stop typing in random urls to see if it will work }:) but I teased a bit and had an interesting image or two. It was nothing much. To then-revisit what sorts of reactions I was getting, though, made me realize just how shallow some of these 'friends' really were.

Even longtime friends, ones who have demonstrated depth in the past, have become like this of late. Over a relatively short period of time, that theme that runs itself through almost all of these pages I've written. It's amazing though. All of a sudden they'll do something and you realize that they cared more about achieving X than really having you as a true friend. Or only wanting to do Y. Or now that Z, you're not as important anymore.

Which of course makes me wonder… what am I? Am I boring and/or uninteresting? Do I get very annoying over time? Or am I just easy to forget and drop?

I hate feeling like a catalyst. You know, something that helps a reaction and that isn't consumed in the reaction. I'm a great stepping stone. A vehicle to a new destination. A disposable tool.

Except that I am being consumed. Little less of me every day.

I mean, it really hurts. Me, anyway, obviously not them. I think its evident now that to me, friends and events are very important. Memories are too. Someone made a great observation the other day: You can tell a lot about a person by their keychain. An interesting thought, and well, very true, if you look at mine. I have more keychain trinkets than keys, because each represents something for me, a link to a memory or event that means something to me and to my psyche.

What am I supposed to think when friends… honestly aren't paying attention to the conversation you are having? Yes, its online, but still. You ask for something or mention something, and they don't remember or respond. They may not even remember having the conversation! You say something, and then… they just stop responding. Not because it was some subject that they may not want to talk about, but it just disappears into the ether of 'background' for them.

At times, I feel as though I've become a thing of ego, another trinket to place in the basket so that they can feel good about themselves. Its friends! Collect the whole set!

Time is not the issue here. Just in case in reading this the wrong picture has been painted, but it isn't about amount of time spent on interacting with me. Its not a case of just being busy and hence interactions are short. Short interactions can still be meaningful ones. This is a matter of long quasi-interactions, where the interest, investment and interaction is superficial and exterior, and almost perhaps insincere.

I composed a poem with my fridge poetry set that captures a bit of what I am feeling:

The first line is in reference to the crap-talking, the self-indulgent speak and the words of carelessness. The rest is self-evident.

Sometimes I'll get a funny page online by someone, out of the blue, akin to "Hello?" The reason for the question mark is that they wonder why I didn't say Hi when they logged in, like I was trying to be rude to them. Now, note, that they were not logged in when I connected, hence out of the blue. No, they logged in after I did, and didn't say Hi to me, instead they are mad that I didn't say Hi to them. Two things. How am I supposed to know they connected (yes, there is watchfor, but I don't use it) and two, what is this saying? Why is the onus being put on others to say hi and watch for them? I always figure if people want to talk to me, they'll say hi.

This doesn't mean I wouldn't/don't wonder why people would log on and not say hi to me-of course I'll speculate what sort of friend I am to them if they were to log on and not say hi. Maybe it's the above, maybe they're expecting others to be breathlessly awaiting for their arrival. Then again, given that I seem to have difficulty engaging in any good conversation online these days, either in being able to start one or to have others start…

I am annoyed by people who don't say goodbye too. Sometimes it happens, but there are those who do it constantly, they log-off or leave or disappear without saying bye. Obviously they care not for others (or just me) enough to indicate that they are leaving and/or to wish well/ see in the future. Now, if that is the case, and they really couldn't care less about me (specifically, now), then maybe they shouldn't interact with me at all and just tell me so.

As is the case with the whole concept of a rant, the above is all over the place, probably sounds whine-y and may have you shaking your head. But. Distill it. Therein you find what I am feeling.

I am feeling a bit abandoned. I am feeling a bit like an object to some. I am feeling like the trinket of the hour, to be later discarded. Unappreciated. Unwanted. I am also feeling used.

Above all I am feeling confused. Confused that this has been reoccurring. For quite a while. And confused at the rapidity of it all, how things seem to change so suddenly with me none the wiser to its occurrence. At least not wise enough to notice it happen.

Now, there is obviously a lot of different things up there, and some happen with some people, others have happened with others. This is an omnibus rant of sorts :P

It's natural for people interactions and relations to ebb and flow, to evolve over time, to change. I just question how drastic they are at times :P

I have to question my behaviour and who I am. What is it about me or what I do that invokes these kind of treatments/responses. Do I get boring after a while? Forgettable? Am I just gullible? Easy to trick? Unlucky to find people who are just users of others? Predictable? Do I just become uninteresting? Or is it just most of the people I have run into don't really have a concept of longevity with friends? What about my long-time friends that suddenly find themselves distant at the drop of a hat?

Now, if this isn't making me paranoid and more self-conscious, I don't know what does.