Et tu, César?

Time to look in the mirror. I have said that what I wrote was not so much a manifesto as more of a personal philosophy and guidelines for how I wish to guide my own life (along with, obviously, how I wish to be treated in return). So, its been over a year, both since I wrote that and since I moved to the Bay Area. Have I been true to my words?

Yes. And No.

I have been far more un-equitable than I would like to have been. I can explain it away-when I moved to the area, there were friends/acquaintances who helped me out a lot, providing many things and performing tasks to help me get on my feet in the area, especially given I had so little income/savings/money right after I moved here. Two things have happened. One, it turned into a case of the pendulum swinging far to the one side. I was feeling cheated-suddenly I found myself being given assistance, or gifts as it were, and well, I became much more (not quite the right term) greedy because of it, and allowed myself to receive without thinking as much as I should have in the giving back and repayment part of it. Then, it became a force of habit; I became used to it. My goal for the new year is to once again swing the pendulum to the centre, or even more on the side of giving where I traditionally was. I like it there…

… but there will be one difference from the past. Another change over the past year is I have, in some areas (frustratingly not in others), become more assertive. And even more cynical, if you can believe that. But there are cases where I have more readily taken charge, either of a group or of a situation. I wouldn't let them walk all over me at work with new duties without proper compensation, for example. All in all, I think it has been a good thing, a positive step… but I do need to keep a close eye on it, watching the pendulum to be sure I don't start becoming an arrogant prick.

What does this mean for the equitable? I'm going to be more on the side of giving, but I will be scrutinizing to whom I exhibit this behaviour more carefully. I think I've had enough of the assholes who take and take. Again, you can see why I'm worried about my own behaviour this past year insofar as equitableness, the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite (as we all know it is for those that I save my strongest venom).

I haven't been quite as forthcoming with clear statements as I would like to be. This is an interesting case of conflicting desires and realities-I want to be very straightforward in dealings with people, but my lack of self-worth makes me feel as though I have no grounding, making me wuss out of being more direct and clear. Its also a conflict between 'be honest' and 'be kind'. One never knows how others will take things (some just want to be lauded without end) and become hostile, maybe not openly immediately, but it happens. Right now, I'm not wanting to drive anyone to enmity over this.

Of course, the other end of the stick is that it seems most people in this area talk endlessly behind other people's backs. This I do not partake in. Its really sad and somewhat maddening to see people vilified amongst 'cliques', and then to see how others treat them, even if they themselves have no quarrel.

Which always makes me wonder what others are saying behind MY back.

These are the main things that I have noticed-if there are other things you have noticed that I have not, if you feel I am not walking the path I tried to set out for myself, if I have done you wrong, LET ME KNOW. I try to be watchful over myself, but the self-mirror is always a bit blurry, causing one to miss or overlook something (we know our motives intrinsically, we can rationalize or miss or ignore items).