There is the general list under the (new) 'Who is this Lynx?' page… this is a few deeper delving things…

First and foremost, I like to be engaged. To be actively involved and partially challenged in activities. Which means many things… I like to discuss and talk with people, share ideas, viewpoints, debates, putting things together, creating ideas and stories, trading stories, whatever it may be. One thing I have had in common with my best of friends has always been the ability to talk about many a subject for hours and hours. Looking at the list of interests I have, well, it's a very long list. There are tonnes of things I am interested in, and enjoy carrying on discussions on almost any of the subjects. Note I said discussions-yes, I am opinionated and will expound on my views if given a chance (if the other party is interested), and yes, I do enjoy telling stories, but I need something back, I need return information, return stories, alternate or consenting viewpoints, etc.

Annoyingly, the above-noted lack of self-assurance has made me less able to enter into, or better put, to begin these kinds of conversations. I used to have no problem (it seemed) slipping into conversations with people, whether in real life or online, nowadays, it seems I am always limited to simple and superficial levels unless provided an invitation to a further level. It's frustrating. Especially frustrating because all of my good friendships have always been built on discussions and talking. Not being able to provide a spark to begin discussion actually hurts.

Engaged activities are also things I enjoy… climbing is a good example. I also like architecture for the same reason, quite likely-I struggle (again, see above), but I am 100% engaged while I work on it. My last months at Taima corporation were bad because I wasn't engaged-doing yet another internet manual (same s**t, different DNS numbers). If I can get into something, I can work on it with total focus, because I'm engaged. Moving back to non-work activities, things like RPGs can be engrossing, hence my interest… paintball, climbing… learning/reading/researching one of my multitudes of interests will keep me focussed, since I like them so much and since learning new things is, to me, very enjoyable. Discovery/Learning Channel/PBS are dangerous things for me :P

I enjoy sharing experiences with others. I like doing activities with someone else who is interested too. For me, it isn't just 'having someone else there', or to take the case of say climbing, just 'having a partner'. The experience is truly richer because I'm sharing it with someone. The sharing in itself is a component that is enjoyable. Now, I'm sure that I'm not unique in this aspect-no one likes to go to the movies alone, they want to go with a group of people (to use an example grabbed out of the air). But I have been with people from whom I got the sense that while they were happy to be not alone while doing something, it wasn't out of wanting to share something, it was more just so they weren't alone. It seemed it didn't matter with whom they were with. They were just with 'someone'.

Respect. I want respect. More precisely, I want to be respected, by my peers, by my friends and acquaintances, by those I meet. I want to be respected for whom I am and for what I do. NOTE, who I am, and what I do. I want to be respected as an individual, yes. I want to be respected for having my own ideas and my own opinions, respected for my interests. I want respect that is fitting-I do NOT want heaps of groundless praise, I do not want to be put on a pedestal by someone, I do not want to be told I can do no wrong. I want to be given a fair and honest assessment of my work, my knowledge, my capabilities and my interests. I don't want to feel challenged by others just because. I want to feel that people have confidence in me to perform a task. I want to be able to teach and or help others out without worrying that someone will ask me questions or make statements to present they 'know more', nor the opposite end where I get asked all manner of esoteric questions because they think I do know everything. I do not want others to challenge what I say immediately after I say it, without thinking things a bit to understand (and certainly not in the form of 'why do you do it that way/why would you think that way??')

Acceptance. Coupled with this is, of course, what everyone wants: acceptance. We all want acceptance in a larger group, and most desire this acceptance in a group as an individual. If everyone was the same, what kind of dynamic would the group have?

Appreciation? Another aspect to it? To be appreciated for whom I am and what I can contribute? Hmmm.

Does sound a bit self-serving, doesn't it? Not meaning it to sound that way… but I do hope you get the gist of what I'm getting at. This may be a bit overboard in my reaction, I will admit, in that I am so busy of late maybe I'm just not with the 'in' crowd enough to be ever thought about. But in its own way, that is harsh and hurts too. I'm certainly tired of being the flavour of the month, discarded at some arbitrary and sudden point. (Indeed, it is the suddenness that always gets me, it always seems to be BAM, and my interaction with someone seems to be stood on its head).

Of course, I never want to be humoured. If I'm not desired around, then, I'm not desired around. Being told so and/or why would be a nice gesture, however.

This, of course, doesn't help my current difficulty with conjuring up conversations with acquaintances and friends, or even strangers on a forum. Fortunately, I'm not as self-conscious as I was a year and a half ago-I was practically paralysed with paranoia that what I would say would cause me to be discarded or never taken seriously again. Irrational fear? Perhaps. But when friends are dropping away at a rapid pace, there's nothing to lean self-esteem on, no foundation to prop one's self up, to feel that what I have to say will be valuable, noted, engaged with, and will garner me any lasting… anything.

There's nothing worse than being in a group of 3, and being the person on the outside looking in. Yes, the classic case of two 'friends', who in a one-on-one situation you can carry on a conversation but in the group, you are the invisible party. To say something and not be acknowledged, or to have the info maybe actually change the course, but you are not recognized. Or to just have it ignored or not noticed. Make it a larger group, and its just as bad. Why invite me? To humour me? Why talk to me one-on-one? Are you bored? Nothing better to do? Even care what I may say?

What good is anything if you are dropped the moment another 'shiny' comes along?

Yeah, yeah, I should be more self-reliant, and I shouldn't base my self-worth on what others think of me. Well, I'm not, really, I'm basing it on how others react to me as well as how they relate to me. Ok, even then I should be more able to stand on my own. Careful-go to far, and you become arrogant, n'est ce pas? But to truly understand where I'm coming from and why friends/acquaintances play such a large role in my idea of self and self-worth, would require a lengthy story of shattering and rebuilding, and why it has become integral to my being.

But that's the way it is. That is the way I relate to the world right now.

And, let me tell you, it SUCKS sometimes. Not to be able to talk to people, either casually or starting up good discussion. I go online and speak idle chatter for 90% of the time now. I have this honkin' broad array of interests-I mean, talk about covering the gamut!-and yet… and yet… ??

At least I can still strike up base-line conversations with strangers. :P

Had a good set of discussions/dialogue today about various things, including politics, social issues, social policies, and religion. Yes, quite the full plate :P. At any rate, it did bring up a few things that I thought I would say that I think is important.

Open mind - have one.

We never cease to learn - always remember that.

Respect the input of others, listen to their ideas and their dialogue, and their opinions. You may not agree with them. You may find their view shortsighted. It may be a venemous and hateful view that totally rubs against your own values. And in that way, it may drive you to action. It can also give you better insight into the 'other side' of things. In both cases, these are positives. What action you end up taking, of course, ....

Every source of information is a bit biased - never forget that. The victors write the history books. The media can present a slant on something. Just because something is written down, or published, does not make it Truth. Especially true with the birth of the web, anyone with an axe to grind can go on about it on a web page. Try to discover all sides of an issue or story when you can.

Do not be trapped by your opinions - as you learn more and gain new experiences, do not be afraid to form new ones. At the same time, have conviction in your opinions and philosophies. Don't change them over dinner, or every day, or depending on whom you're speaking to. There is a reason you have these opinions, there should be a good thought process and reasoning that brought you to them. But that thought and reasoning can be revisited and re-thought when new information or experiences are acquired.

One whose mind is fully closed cannot learn
One whose mind is fully open cannot teach

Or the less elegant "keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out".

I've said it before - our experiences and our learning define who we are. What we are striving for also defines us.

I'm sure I'll expound more on this someday.