Do I consider myself perfect and above all else? Did I write these because I'm all that?

Not just no, but hell no!

These thoughts and philosophies are what I aspire to, they are how I would like to live my life (and how I would like to be treated in return). Have I always followed all of these? Of course not. I have broken many of these rules... that is how I have come to realize them, how I have put them into philosophies, was by living, and learning. There have been times where I have been selfish. When I have treated others unfairly. I can also be quite vengeful at times. There are times when I have been dishonest. But I am aware. Over the past 7 years, as life subjects me to one thing after the other, I try to remain aware, I learn, I adjust. I review. I'll see, and often notice when I've done something that I should't have, and even though I am sometimes unable to stop myself from doing it, by knowing I can try to change my behaviour for the next time. I am constantly checking myself (perhaps overchecking, actually) for hypocracies. I blame not others, but myself as well. I crave feedback, so I can improve. Yes, I can be defensive, but I always listen, and consider.

What about the flip-side... am I always judging others, placing them on a scorecard, checking what they are doing, tsking and shaking my head? No. As hard as it may be to believe, that is not at all what I do. While I am (over)sensitive to some things, like hipocracy, I do not constantly sit there, on the lookout for it. Nor may I notice it right away, it may take some time for me to notice it (just like the other day... another friend who changed their tune 180~ in 1 month flat). I may notice other things too. But there is no scorecard. There is no fixed point where I'll suddenly raise my hand and go 'sorry, but you've failed the test'. There is no test. I may reach a point, yes, where I will have to raise some issues because they bother me too much. But I'm not always waiting for that day.

Nor do I keep talleys of what I do for people, and what they've done in return. I don't see myself as a comodity to be traded. I like to think of myself (and truly hope I am) as a generally very caring person, willing to give to my friends. I do think of them often. I try to be as empathic as I can.

So, why then all this writing? What's all this? Well, as I said, these are rules I want to live my life by, how I want to be. I don't expect everyone else to be like that, and I'm not using it as a measure of everyone's worth. But at the same time, I have no wish to be treated poorly. I don't stack people up, but like all other beings, I wish to be treated with respect, wish to be engaged, wish to be accepted, wish to be loved. And yes, for whom I am. I accept my friends for whom they are as well. But there is a demarcation between acceptance, and floormat. I wish not to be a floormat. If I receive no return from my emotional investment, or am treated poorly, then that is not what I consider a friendship.

ALL of the views on these pages have not come overnight. NOr may they not change at some point. I remember hearing an interesting quote once... do not be chained to your opinions--change them as life leads you to new directions. Now, this doesn't mean one shouln't hold onto their opinions, values, etc, but what it means is that as we gain experience, our values and opinions may change. The past 7 years have changed me greatly. What I have experienced, what life has thrown at me, what others have done to me (both good and ill), have all had an impact on how I act, react, and what I believe, and how I think. These philosophies are the result... for now. They may change again in future. Experiences are the key. Experiences and reflection--as I said, I watch what I do, and how I behave. I see how others treat me and others. My mind works everything over. And somedays, I'll awake with a new understanding.

Sometimes (often?), I have misjudged, or misunderstood. Because we are shaped by our experiences, at times they can lead to patterns that do not necessarily apply everywhere. If, for example, we are treated a certain way by a certain group, we may come to expect that others of that group will treat us the same way. Signals that differ may be interpreted as dislike or disinterest. Communication breakdown is, of course, partly to blame in this circumstance as well. With no absolute way of knowing what the other is thinking, misinterpretation can easily occur. Further, everyone has slightly different ideas about what friendship/etc entails, and how to show it, all based on their own experiences and ideals. The chances for errors are there.

But this is, partially, where these philosophies come into play. They represent the line along which I see myself traveling, and the hope I have that others will travel (and treat me in return) as well...

One thing I haven't mentioned much in any of these pages is attention. The attention we pay to each other, and in what ammounts, is of great importance. Of course, it can't be simple, and everyone will have different attention needs, wants and wishes. And everyone will want to pay the other attention in differing amounts. And at different times. In this case, I am not talking about attention in any specific sense or instance (like a massage, though it certainly does factor in!), but attention more in general, moreso over time. A balance of some sort plays into this, a balance of many angles, of attention payed onto each other, and of times when attention wants to be given or received. There are times when one wants to be alone, or has work/things that they want to get done. Other times they may want help, want to be with another, etc. But what's very important to realize, no matter what, no one wants to be ignored, pushed to the side, forgotten, whatever you wish to describe. Time alone wanted, for either friend, is not an invite to turn your back. One can work by themselves while not being really alone. As well, the amount of attention payed to another is also influenced by situation. The dynamics of a friend visiting will be different then the dynamics if they live close-by, or when living together.

Hmmm... so where should I take this from here... let me get this back on track.